selfishness & insincerity

am i being selfish if i feel that i should get some form of recognition for the work i do?

am i being insincere if i feel that my time could be well-spent at a job that pays better?

to be honest, there are times when i find myself wondering why i stay

but i know that i'm here because i want to make a difference

i know that i could probably get a job somewhere else... a job that would pay much much better than where i am now... working at a place that may value my input more and gives me a stronger sense of security

but it won't be the same...

over here, i know i can have some impact on our future generation

over here, i know what i say and what i do has more potential to reach the ummah than if i were (almost) anywhere else

over here, my jihad can mean something

and that is why i stay

i admit, i wouldn't be here if i had the means

i admit, in an ideal situation, i would love to stay at home and educate my children and maybe spend more time on my writing

but, the situation is as it is and i need to do what i can to help my husband

and that is why i stay

yes, i'm here because i need the money but i stay because i believe

does that make me selfish and insincere?

if it does, may Allaah forgive me because those are the last things i want to be

it isn't everything

a colleague of mine had her house burgled yesterday while she was in school. they took everything portable... including her daughter's clothes... and diapers. DIAPERS!

this is what the world has come to

to the point where there are selfish, thoughtless, inhuman people who would actually steal a child's DIAPERS

oh, and they even took the time to raid her fridge

it's terrible that the world has come to this... that people lose their compassion and the very thing that makes them human... just for those pieces of paper

it's terrible because people are doing this just for a few extra pieces of paper... pieces of paper that don't even have any value on their own

it's disgusting and sad because life on this earth doesn't even last forever... one day we'll all grow old and die and this world will end and no amount of small pieces of paper will make a difference

noise

her thoughts seem jumbled in her head and she struggles to sort them out. it is hard to do, being in the state of mind she is currently in... a vicious cycle - she has to clear her thoughts but cannot do so with her frazzled mind. she wonders if gazing out the window would help. 

it doesn't. 

every little activity she sees outside reminds her of what she already has inside her head. she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. when she opens her eyes, she expects that things would look better, literally and figuratively. 

it doesn't. 

everything stays the same. the thoughts buzzing in her head buzz louder and louder and louder - to the point where she feels her very skull would split open... but would that be so bad? at leaast the bad thoughts would not bother her so much... she walks to the stereo next to the dressing table and puts on a cd... king diamond's abigail... and turns on the title track at full volume. as the opening strands begin, she lays down on her bed and closes her eyes and loses herself fully to the music even before the end of the first verse... 

let the noises come from the outside and drown the ones in her head.

funny thing happened the other day

i am stupid. i am an idiot. i am a stupid idiot!

i accidentally erased ALL my pix in my new digital camera. ALL 140 OF THEM!

how much more idiotic can you get?

gone... the pix we took at colmar tropicale

gone... that fab dinner with my friends whom i haven't seen for A G E S

gone... those adorable pix of chikuk being adorable & chikuk

i hadn't even copied them to my lappy!!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

i am such an idiotic stupid person . . .


on another note...

chikuk did a really adorable thing the other day when we were at bukit tinggi *the video of which i had actually recorded but, of course, being the stupid idiot i am, has been erased along with all the other great pix & videos... but i digress [deep, deep cleansing, calming breath]

anyway, chikuk got a new toy *courtesy of Nana*
it's a plastic tortoise with a detachable shell that has geometric patterns on it & geometric blocks *of sorts* that you're supposed to put in through the holes on the shell... i would show you a pic of it but... IT'S GONE!
chikuk was playing with his Daddy & Daddy was showing him how to put the blocks into the corresponding holes in the tortoise's shell. Daddy takes a block, slots it through its hole, removes the shell, takes the block out and demonstrates again. then he hands the block to chikuk. chikuk takes the block, looks at daddy, removes the shell and dumps ALL the blocks into the tortoise's body, fixes the shell back, looks at Daddy again and says, "Dah (done)!"

is that hilarious or what?

i wish i had the video to show u . . .

it seems i do this often
forgetting to update my blog whenever i'm back in sg...
alah, bukan nye ada org baca pon

heheh

well, the 1st semester is finally over & we're off for a well-deserved break *if u knew how well-deserved, you would definitely say that 2 weeks is way way waaaay too short*

the first week is into its mid-point & ridhwan is still not completely recovered - his temperature is gone, Alhamdulillah but his lips are still a bit cracked from the heat, poor kid... may Allaah heal him soon

also, i think he misses his daddy

tomorrow is the much-awaited outing with the cousins *we have this every now & then* and we're going to the beach with the kids before lunch. i always look forward to this & i can't wait!

my times have changed...

it used to be that if someone bad-mouthed you behind your back, unless you're THAT well-connected, it would probably take some time for it to get back to u...

nowadays, u could be bitching one second & the next, the whole world knows about it!

sigh... the age of technology

blog crush

i'm having my first blog crush... well, the first one i'll admit to, anyway....
although, i don't know if it can be considered that...
it's a very popular site that collects anonymous postcards from people with their secrets on it...
it's amazing...

i find myself going through some of the postcards and realising that i feel that way too...

there's this sense of ... relief ... when you find out that you're NOT a freak, u know... heheh

yes i'm lame i know but it is what it is...

i hope i have enough guts to send in one of my own one of these days

desire

it wasnt something she should be feeling... it was wrong ... so wrong
but she was powerless to fight it

it was strange, this unwelcome feeling... it would come unbidden, washing over her like something sticky and pin-pricky but, if she were absolutely true to herself, not altogether unpleasant

she dreaded those moments... truly and deeply

every morning their paths would cross and she laid eyes on her heart's desire ... shivers would run down her spine

it was wrong
it was sad and ridiculous and wrong

she prays, with every fibre of her being, that nothing would ever come of it, no matter how greatly her heart protests

if only there was a different route she could take instead of walking past those donuts every morning

de-randomising

i wonder what snow feels like

why are babies so delicious?

when am i going to paint the back wall in my classroom from when the aircon blew up?

it's amazing what a simple 'i'm sorry' and 'thank you' can do to warm the heart

there is no more honest sound than a child's laughter

is it just me or is time going by really fast?

i wish i could go to tony roma's & have a huge plate of beef ribs & chocolate brownies for dessert

what would i do if i had a million bucks?

i wish i had a million bucks

how do i get my hands on a million bucks?

i miss fareed

i want to go home to sg & go out with the girls for some sushi

*had to de-randomise my brain a bit*

may i be forgiven

i was responsible for giving tazkirah after zuhur to the p4 & p5 girls last friday. after cracking my brains, i decided to give a talk on the importance of forgiveness... how Allaah would not forgive us for wronging a person until we have seeked forgiveness from the wronged person. some of the girls shared how they sometimes feel it hard to forgive and forget even for little mistakes or how sometimes they forget to apologise to someone after doing something wrong & asked whether Allaah would still forgive them now... the honesty in children always puts me to shame

all that talk made me think about someone i haven't thought about for quite awhile...

when i was 15, i had a friend... yan... yan was a great friend and an amazing human being... yan was funny and generous and patient and had a way of listening to you when you were talking that made you feel as if there was nothing more important in the world than the words coming out of your mouth... yan had a wicked sense of humour, though, and also had the knack for pushing your buttons... yan liked to tease you just to watch you jump around with smoke coming out of your ears...

i remember i had a bad temper back then... well, i suppose i still do but not as bad as i did then... i remember i could get quite verbally abusive if riled up enough. one day, in october that year yan got on my nerves... for the life of me i can't remember exactly what happened but i do remember a guitar being smashed & someone being called some nasty things... we were at the void deck of yan's block... we used to hang out there alot... i remember leaving the place in a huff & yan saying "dude, you didn't have to smash my damn guitar la! bloody hell!"

yan LOVED that guitar.

we didn't talk for a few days & i was starting to feel really guilty about what happened... it was partly my fault after all... but i couldn't bring myself to make the first move to apologise... we didn't go to the same school or live in the same neighbourhood so there was no way of us bumping into one another but i really did want to call and say i was sorry & even considered chipping in for a new guitar... but in the back of my mind, i kept thinking yan should make the first move to apologise because he did start the whole thing...

i never did call

two weeks later i got a call from yan's brother, ayim... yan had bought a stuffed toy... a garfield... yan meant to give it to me because yan knew i loved cats... yan also knew i wasn't that into garfield though, but that i would never have rejected a gift from anyone... yan's wicked sense of humour...

when i asked ayim why yan didn't call me personally he went silent... he said, "ain i'm sorry we forgot to tell you, we were so busy it just slipped our minds... yan passed away two days ago in a motorcycle accident"

i've never really gotten over yan... not completely... what made it all the more difficult to is the fact that i never got to say i was sorry for what i did...

the big 5 0

so this would be my 50th blog post
wow
i actually have nothing to say at the moment

macam wasted gitu

the end of the rope

i feel desperate

it seems everything i do, i can't get through to them
i'm tired of raising my voice just to make myself heard but it's as if that's the only way to get things done

giving them the silent treatment never works... i could be standing there for 10 minutes before they even settle down
it's so annoying because i can see that some of them actually do want to listen... that they do want to get on with the class
so what do i do? let the rowdy ones do as they please and just pay attention to those who really want to listen?

i want to help them, i really do but how long can someone go on standing there talking when half the class is busy talking and playing? how long am i supposed to take it before i start feeling like a bloody fool?

i find myself scolding and punishing them & i can see the disappointment & anger in their faces whenever i do... i don't even care if they don't like me... i mean it would be great if they did but i'm more interested in making sure that they do well... in school and in life

maybe i'm just not cut out for this job...

it's a blessing that i'm moving at the end of the year

has it been 20 years already?

20 years ago a little angel was born



with her sweet disposition and charming smile, she bowled us all over


friendly and affectionate and loving and kind this little angel melted our hearts

her childhood must have been trying
she had three bullies for siblings... all going through the phases of their own maturity
kicks and slaps and punches
verbal lashings and slashings
she must've had a difficult life

when it was her turn to grow up, big sister and big brothers had their taste of what teen angst looks like to the observer

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

come on, we all know it's N E V E R pretty...

all they could do was to hope and to pray that their little angel would find her way


we're still waitiing, by the way...

:D

have a great day!

i remember

i remember the cravings and the middle-of-the-night hunger pangs...
i remember the heat... the boiling heat in the middle of the night under the aircon set at 18 degrees celsius... not to mention the other heat
i remember the swellings... of my nose & my breasts & my fingers & my hands & my feet & my toes...

i remember not being able to cut my own toe nails...
i remember not being able to fit into my favourite sandals...
i remember feeling sleepy a l l the time...
i remember being happy one minute & hating everybody's guts the next... more often than not my poor darling husband's...

i remember not being able to eat, cook, or even smell chicken... CHICKEN!!!
i remember the morning sickness... and the afternoon sickness... and the evening sickness... and the middle of the night sickness...
i remember the backaches and the sideaches and the itchy itchy tummy...

i remember pain like i've never imagined...
i remember the 16 hour labour... especially the last couple of hours of near torture...
i remember the pain and violation of being checked for cervix dilation... and wanting to tear the nurse's head right off her shoulders with my bare hands

i remember the pushing... the tear during the episiotomy... of straining so hard i had cramps in my face and cheeks and neck and fingers and legs for a few days after...

but you know what, i can't wait to go through it again...
because i remember the first time i looked into his beautiful eyes and he looked right back at me

letting off steam

*this entry is a rant*

so this is the situation... i work

i work from 7.30am to 4.30pm... but most days i have to stay until around 7pm & wait for my husband to pick me up... usually to finish up any work but more often because of the financial situation we are in... we have enough, alhamdulillah, but sometimes not to enable me to go home by cab every single frigging day

in the meantime, while I WORK, i leave my son in the care of my in-laws... they had volunteered to do so & my husband & i have obliged... mind you, we were reluctant to in the beginning because we did not wish to impose on my mil who has had to take care of practically ALL her 10 other grandchildren *and is still baby-sitting 2 others*... but after i gave birth, SOME PEOPLE kept pushing that we should leave the little one there, seeing as how expensive daycare centres can be, especially if I HAVE TO WORK LATE... besides, it's always better to have family take care of the little ones, isn't it? can't, & won't, argue with that...

so i have been working late these past weeks, making worksheets, marking worksheets & books, compiling revision exercises & whatnot *i'm teaching the exam classes*... i work on saturdays too *extra classes for the kids & also teachers training*... my husband picks up my baby after work, then picks me up... he takes care of our son on saturdays when i'm not around & on sunday mornings he brings him out so i can rest a bit longer & get some house work done *have you tried cleaning up after a one-year-old who has just discovered the endless joys of dumping?*

it has come to the point where SOME PEOPLE think it's okay to comment on my mothering skills... *or lack thereof, according to them* ... apparently to these people, it seems to them as if my husband is doing what i should be doing *ie taking care of our baby* it seems to them that i don't lift a finger when it comes to MY SON...

let me tell you something

i will be eternally grateful that my husband is not the kind to simply leave the care of babies to their mothers... i will be eternally grateful that he takes the baby out once in awhile so i can clean up the house a bit and rest... he is a great husband & father but he does not do everything... we share our workload as equally as possible

not once have i ever left my child in the care of others simply to go shopping or hang out with friends or go on holiday or play futsal... the only time my son has slept apart from me was when he was 4 days old & had to be hospitalised for jaundice... even then, i sat next to his bed for most of the night because i couldn't sleep... i have never gone on holiday & left my 4-month-old to be taken care of by the maid *not that i have one* WHEN HE WAS IN HOSPITAL...

i'm a working mother who doesn't have a maid to help with stuff around the house... i do my own cleaning & washing & sweeping & vacuuming & what-have-you... there are SOME working mothers i know with maids who leave EVERYTHING to their maids... the housework & caring of their children

what's funny is that its these mothers who think that i'm being the bad mother because i work too much & never seem to be around, even on weekends... what's funny is that these mothers would rather get their maids to do everything, even get a simple glass of water for their screaming kids, than lift a finger around the house who say that i don't spend enough time with my son

what gives YOU the BLOODY right to comment on my mothering skills when you leave your children with the maid til 1 bloody AM just so you could go out & have coffee? what gives you the right to say that i let my husband do everything when you let your kids sleep with someone else just so you can go clubbing? what gives you the right to say that i work too much & impose on other people to babysit when YOU do that just so YOU don't have to take care of your kids? are you saying because you think your job's harder you need more rest & more time on your own?

take a look at yourself in the mirror before you judge others... better yet, don't judge unless you're ready to be judged...

some people think too highly of themselves... they should be brought down a peg or two... or maybe ten...

bloody *tooooooooooooooooooooot*

because they matter

i made a video clip... of sorts...

its actually just a bunch of pix i have lying around in the lappy... and i had some time... and i just wanted to prove that even an idiot can make a movie with windows movie maker... HAHA...

the music & lyrics are stevie wonder's the words are all mine... i hope you like it

what's up

haven't blogged in a while.... problems with connection from school... haven't talked to my nearest & dearest for quite awhile
*not to mention checked on facebook... but i guess that's a good thing, no?*

anyway... iwan had a haircut.. now he's botak. i like it!
heheh... he looks like an imp. so cheeky-looking like that lil kid in those kungfu movies... my cheeky monkey!

been thinking of starting a blog for stories but don't really know how to go about doing that... any help guys?

oh yeah... lil sis called me a grammar nazi.....................

i think that should be a whole other post but please siti nurul fitriah... i AM an english teacher

:P

read la

i'm tired of explaining myself.....
here... read this

a little help please!

dear readers *yes ALL three of you!*
i need a favour to ask...
could you guys just click the ads on top of my blog?
you know the box just above,with all the flashing ads? i know you can see them!
ok, just roll your mouse over to them and click... it's so simple!!
help yarh? please?
thanks lots!!

my rock *because adding an 's' would make it sound weird*

it's english week...

there was a short sketch this morning by the primary 4 students... a very simple sketch, but it struck a chord in my heart...

it told the story of the 'friendship' between a boy and an apple tree... how the boy loved to play with the apple tree when he was small but the older he grew, the less time he would spend with the tree, only coming to it to ask for help... the tree would be happy whenever the boy came to visit and gave him whatever he asked for... first it was the apples for the boy to sell and buy toys with the money he got... then it was the branches to build a house for the boy, who by this time had become a young man, for his family to live in... then its trunk to build a boat for the boy to sail in... at the very end, the tree offered its roots for the old man to rest his tired body

needless to say, the story was an analogy...

the students went on to explain how the tree represents our parents and how much they are willing to give of themselves in our time of need but, more often than not, we, as children, are not willing to do the same... at times we don't even acknowledge them for all they have done for us

ibu & ayah, you have done so so so much for me... from the day i was conceived, you have given everything to make sure i want for nothing
every day, during every prayer, i pray to Allah that He takes care of you as how you have taken care of me all this time

ibu & ayah, you have tolerated all my shit and put up with my tantrums, whinings & angsty moments, i pray that if and when the time comes, i would be able to care for you just as, if not better, than how you have cared for me

ibu & ayah, thank you for your presence and your understanding and your endless support of everything i do... for guiding me and loving me without conditions... for believing in me and being proud of me even though there was almost nothing to be proud of

ibu & ayah, if i am able to be half as good a parent as you have been for me, i would be content

"thank you ibu, thank you ayah for bringing us out!"

my latest project

i've decided to embark on a project....
i'm goin to write some children's books *something i've been wanting to do for some time now*
insya ALLAAH, it's going to be a series of stories of things that little children have to deal with growing up... you know, like being afraid of the dark... moving to a new place... getting a new sibling...
lil sis has offered to help *well actually she offered her friend to do the illustrations*
they're not going to be sent to a publisher or anything... don't think they would sell! but they will be for my children, my nieces & nephews....
pray that it works out!

my excitement for the month

so the aircon in my classroom caught fire this morning...
some animal flew out of it when i turned on the switch & then a few minutes later there was this explosion & flames came out of the aircon! naturally i was worried so i turned off the switch & shooed the two girls who were in the class with me... the flames had disappeared by then but smoke was curling out of the back of the darn thing...
in those few short minutes, word had gotten out that a fire had taken place & students were gathering outside my class...
the saying "curiosity killed the cat" started buzzing around in my mind...
i started looking for an extinguisher... there wasn't one around on my level so i rushed downstairs & there was one but *how embarrassing* i couldnt lift the damn thing... rushed back upstairs & asked the help of one of the male teachers *truly, may Allah bless you a thousand times!* & he rushed downstairs, got the extinguisher & put the fire out!
by then, two other teachers were around & had helped get my table, chair & books out of the way & the flames had gotten bigger & were dripping ... dripping!... down onto the floor!!
the smell was horrendous!
so... the walls are ruined... my class looks like a tornado hit because i cant bring myself to go in & clean up as i can hardly breathe *not only because the whole thing shook me up a bit but also because i think all the smoke gave me asthma*
the kids were all really excited though... they spent the whole morning playing around, not having to go to class... not having a class to go TO...
what a waste of a paint job

i haven't been in the mood to blog for a while... haven't really got any inspiration to, either... nothing new has really happened in these past weeks except iwan starting to walk and all... but other than that, i've been going through the motions like a robot.

i enjoyed the recent hols though... i spent a week + with my family & it was amazing... we had a bbq the sunday after i came back & then we went to malacca the following thursday. mom & dad got a family suite so all 10 of us could stay together & that was very enjoyable... i suppose it's because i've practically been on my own for the past 10 years so being with loved ones is something i treasure tremendously... we also went to take a look at the johor house with uncle malek, dad's contractor friend... he's got the best ideas... he runs his own company & his work has been published in some magazines... he took a look at the house & came up with some really great ideas to do up the house... i already have an idea in mind for my room... from the ikea catalogue no less!! heehee...

so that's about all i think... still can't wait till the end of the year so i can be with my family *that means you too TATA!*

The lil one's growing fast!

Iwan has started taking his first steps & the first time he did, last saturday, I was jumping up & down! It's amazing to see this little person gain a new skill... he had been trying for some time but never really seemed to get the full courage to do so, so when he finally did it was pretty awesome!

I was also glad that I was there to see it. Being so busy with work, one of my great fears is that I would miss out on any of the milestones that my baby reaches but ALHAMDULILLAH I haven't so far... I was there when he first turned over and raised his head... the first time he started pulling himself up to a sitting position and crawling... the first time he pulled himself up to standing position and started cruising... and now, walking...

Alhamdulillah, I have been there for all of them... I hope Allah gives me a chance to be there for all the others! Amiin!

Gone

When you lose someone, the most difficult time has to be when everybody leaves. When you're forced to face the fact that she is gone and that you'll never be able to see, talk, hear, feel her ever again.

As long as there are people around, it's easier to pretend that things are going to be okay. That you'll get over it and you'll get used to the idea of her not being there anymore.

With other people around, you may be forced to think of how it might look if you start bawling like a baby every five seconds. Granted, they would understand but still... it's pretty embarrassing for some.

When everyone's gone, that's when it starts to sink in. That's when everywhere you look, you see her smile. That's when everywhere you turn, you hear her laughter. Even when you close your eyes, you can smell her all around you.

And there's nobody there to distract you.

disappointment is a bummer...

it really hurts when you put in all your hopes into something only to have them come crashing down
when something you've been looking forward... that little extra that keeps you going every day... suddenly ceases to exist
maybe i'm being childish... maybe it's selfish... YES it's selfish... but thinking about it just makes me want to curse this situation and blame everyone for my misery
i'm disappointed... a little hurt... and just plain mad at having my hopes snatched... because other people are just irresponsible
i pray it isn't true... i pray that what i hope for is still within reach...
Oh Allah, give me the strength to get through this and put my selfishness aside
Oh Allah, give me the patience to smile and accept that Your rewards are far greater than any this world may offer
Oh Allah, forgive this humble servant of yours for all these selfish thoughts

What would I do without u guys?

I never thought as myself as family-oriented... in fact there was a point in time where I thought that my family just didn't get me and everything I did for them was just ... wasted. Harsh and unfair I know, but that was just how I felt. But not anymore.

When I first started living in KL, doing my diploma @ Academy TV3, I thought that it was the best thing that could happen to me... that maybe now, they'd appreciate me a little... oh, how naive I was. Not only was it NOT the best thing to happen to me, I was lost without my family. Totally lost! Needless to say, the first six months in KL was an absolute failure... There were so many things I did & didn't do that now, I cringe at the very thought of. Subhanallah,how embarrassing and humiliating! Those days will always be remembered as the darkest days of my life.

Staying in KL, away from my parents & my siblings, has made me realise that I am a homebody after all and there is nothing more I like than to spend time with the people who matter most in my life, even if we're just sitting around doing our own stuff.

Ibu & Ayah have bought a house in Masai & have invited us all to stay with them and I just can't wait! I can already imagine being there together with my parents, my husband & son, Adik, Sofiah, Din & the babies & maybe Fareed & *ahem*. It may be just a little crammed but who cares! I'm already picturing what I should do with my room and daydreaming about furniture & fixtures. I just can't wait!

I never realised how much my family means to me until I had to live away from them and now that I have, I really don't want to anymore...

Wake Up, For Your Own Good

See the bombs falling from the sky like rain
See the smoke curling like so many towers towards the sky
See the crumbling remains of buildings and houses where once people lived and loved and played

See the father crying out as one... two... three of his baby girls being shot down by a monster
Eating chips and chocolates
See the old woman who rushes to help only to be run down by an ambulance
See the neighbour on his donkey cart calling to the poor father with one baby girl in his arms
Only to have his donkey, then himself shot... dead

See the young boy, clutching his dying mother in his arms
See him, helpless and howling, drowning out the sound of his mother’s goodbyes
See the man fleeing from a demolition
Only to have his legs shot and his flattening home toppling on him

See the unborn baby ripped from his mother
Not even given the chance to see this Earth
See the tiny face covered in dirt, its body .......?

See the faces streaked and stained with blood not only their own
Turned black and toxic

Wake up, YOU! Open your eyes to what is happening!

There are those who say that their birth is merely fodder to feed the monster’s raging appetite
There are those who say that this war is not theirs to fight
There are those who say that the monster’s immense strength cannot be beaten, so why try?

Wake up, YOU! When little children and unborn babies are being massacred
without mercy
without sense
The war is no one else’s but ours!

Wake up, Muslims! We are being hunted... killed...
For no other reason but our faith and our belief
Wake up, Muslims! We can end the vile monster
Merely with our unity... OUR UNITY

I AM being sincere!

You know, I think it's easier for rich people to say that we should be sincere in the work we do and not simply go through the motions just to get the paycheck at the end of the month. I think it's easier for people who already have the money to insist that other people should not be so... 'money-minded'...

When you're already able to afford a bungalow or two... a car or two or four... go on a holiday overseas with your whole family every year, I guess it would be easier for you to volunteer your time and effort without expecting anything in return.

I think it's much more difficult for people who hardly have enough to feed themselves three square meals a day to think like that. When you have to go out to work to pay the house rent, electricity, water bills... when your money runs out before the month does NOT because you're out partying every night, it might be just a little bit difficult not to look forward to that monthly paycheck.

I like my work... I love being with my kids every day regardless of how rowdy and trying they can be... I want the very best for each and every one of them and I give as much as I can every single lesson. But I have to admit, if I didn't absolutely need the money I wouldn't be here at all... I would much rather be at home and fulfil my duties as a mother and a wife and a daughter.

So it kind of hurts when I'm constantly reminded that I should be doing this job sincerely... with all my heart... and not expect too much every time the 30th rolls by... It hurts when I look around and see all these changes being made and have to wonder how is it that I don't get what should be mine...

I know that rizki comes ONLY from Allah and to Him only do I ask and pray... but what of those who withhold what could be mine?