What would I do without u guys?

I never thought as myself as family-oriented... in fact there was a point in time where I thought that my family just didn't get me and everything I did for them was just ... wasted. Harsh and unfair I know, but that was just how I felt. But not anymore.

When I first started living in KL, doing my diploma @ Academy TV3, I thought that it was the best thing that could happen to me... that maybe now, they'd appreciate me a little... oh, how naive I was. Not only was it NOT the best thing to happen to me, I was lost without my family. Totally lost! Needless to say, the first six months in KL was an absolute failure... There were so many things I did & didn't do that now, I cringe at the very thought of. Subhanallah,how embarrassing and humiliating! Those days will always be remembered as the darkest days of my life.

Staying in KL, away from my parents & my siblings, has made me realise that I am a homebody after all and there is nothing more I like than to spend time with the people who matter most in my life, even if we're just sitting around doing our own stuff.

Ibu & Ayah have bought a house in Masai & have invited us all to stay with them and I just can't wait! I can already imagine being there together with my parents, my husband & son, Adik, Sofiah, Din & the babies & maybe Fareed & *ahem*. It may be just a little crammed but who cares! I'm already picturing what I should do with my room and daydreaming about furniture & fixtures. I just can't wait!

I never realised how much my family means to me until I had to live away from them and now that I have, I really don't want to anymore...

Wake Up, For Your Own Good

See the bombs falling from the sky like rain
See the smoke curling like so many towers towards the sky
See the crumbling remains of buildings and houses where once people lived and loved and played

See the father crying out as one... two... three of his baby girls being shot down by a monster
Eating chips and chocolates
See the old woman who rushes to help only to be run down by an ambulance
See the neighbour on his donkey cart calling to the poor father with one baby girl in his arms
Only to have his donkey, then himself shot... dead

See the young boy, clutching his dying mother in his arms
See him, helpless and howling, drowning out the sound of his mother’s goodbyes
See the man fleeing from a demolition
Only to have his legs shot and his flattening home toppling on him

See the unborn baby ripped from his mother
Not even given the chance to see this Earth
See the tiny face covered in dirt, its body .......?

See the faces streaked and stained with blood not only their own
Turned black and toxic

Wake up, YOU! Open your eyes to what is happening!

There are those who say that their birth is merely fodder to feed the monster’s raging appetite
There are those who say that this war is not theirs to fight
There are those who say that the monster’s immense strength cannot be beaten, so why try?

Wake up, YOU! When little children and unborn babies are being massacred
without mercy
without sense
The war is no one else’s but ours!

Wake up, Muslims! We are being hunted... killed...
For no other reason but our faith and our belief
Wake up, Muslims! We can end the vile monster
Merely with our unity... OUR UNITY

I AM being sincere!

You know, I think it's easier for rich people to say that we should be sincere in the work we do and not simply go through the motions just to get the paycheck at the end of the month. I think it's easier for people who already have the money to insist that other people should not be so... 'money-minded'...

When you're already able to afford a bungalow or two... a car or two or four... go on a holiday overseas with your whole family every year, I guess it would be easier for you to volunteer your time and effort without expecting anything in return.

I think it's much more difficult for people who hardly have enough to feed themselves three square meals a day to think like that. When you have to go out to work to pay the house rent, electricity, water bills... when your money runs out before the month does NOT because you're out partying every night, it might be just a little bit difficult not to look forward to that monthly paycheck.

I like my work... I love being with my kids every day regardless of how rowdy and trying they can be... I want the very best for each and every one of them and I give as much as I can every single lesson. But I have to admit, if I didn't absolutely need the money I wouldn't be here at all... I would much rather be at home and fulfil my duties as a mother and a wife and a daughter.

So it kind of hurts when I'm constantly reminded that I should be doing this job sincerely... with all my heart... and not expect too much every time the 30th rolls by... It hurts when I look around and see all these changes being made and have to wonder how is it that I don't get what should be mine...

I know that rizki comes ONLY from Allah and to Him only do I ask and pray... but what of those who withhold what could be mine?

What does FUNDAMENTALISM mean?

The words fundamentalism and terrorism have often been used together when they talk about my religion. The religion I love and hold dear to my heart. And I don't know why. This link is not only made by people who don't know any better but also by some fellow brothers and sisters of Islam. Do they know what they're saying?

The definition of the word fundamentalism means the strict adherence to any set of basic ideas or principles. In Islam, you can't get any more basic than the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad *PBUH*. So, brothers and sisters, what are you really saying?

Our Prophet *PBUH* was not a violent man. He was a patient, caring and gentle man. Our Prophet *PBUH* would never, ever condone the actions committed by some people in the name of Allah & Islam. Any person who adheres to his teachings and doesn't go astray, in that sense a FUNDAMENTALIST, would never, ever consider doing any of the things that are being done by some people under the guise of Holy War.

So... why is there the association that Muslim Fundamentalists are terrorists. Or rather, that Muslim terrorists are Fundamentalists. Oh, by the way, is there really a need to call them Muslim terrorists? Terrorists ARE terrorists whatever their beliefs.

As you can gather, I am, or try to be a fundamentalist. I try to adhere to the teachings of the Quran and the Sunnah of our Prophet *PBUH* and I am NOT a terrorist. I do not believe that it is alright to strap myself with bombs & blow up a building to make a point to the kuffar. I do not believe that doing that is a form of jihad. I do not believe that doing that will grant someone a martyr's death. I do not believe that killing innocent people, women and children, kuffar or otherwise, is something that is in any way acceptable.

And also, as a fundamentalist, I do not believe in doing things that the Prophet never taught, even if the intentions for doing so are pure. There is nothing good about doing something that the Prophet himself never did (in terms of religion).

Also, there is no such thing as practicing the religion in moderation. You can't have Islam in one aspect of your life and not have it in others. It's just not possible. You are either a Muslim or you aren't.

I also believe that Allah will forgive you no matter how big your sin. NO MATTER HOW BIG... as long as you do not commit syirik... Even then, if you truly repent, He will forgive you.

I believe in, and try to adhere to, the basic principles and teachings of the Prophet *PBUH*. I am not a terrorist and I do not condone terrorism in any shape or form. Nor would any fundamentalist of this beautiful religion.

Go check the dictionary if you don't know what fundamentalism means.

There's something that I've been wanting to write about for a long time. In fact, it was one of the reasons I started this blog. But, I've been putting it off. The reason for that is because I was afraid I wouldn't do it justice. The matter I've been wanting to write about is very, very close to my heart. To a very large extent, it governs my life and how I live it. Actually, not just to an extent... it DOES govern my life and how I live it. So you can understand why I have been putting in a LOT of thought before writing it.

I wouldn't say I know more now... in fact, I feel I know even less about this particular subject matter now than I did when I first started out to write about it. But, as it is, I feel that it is something I must say the way I feel it must be said. The reason I need to gather my thoughts is so that my writing wouldn't sound like a rant and have people think even less about this subject that is so dear to my heart.

I realise that I might not come out of this unscathed *oh my God, SO the drama*. I realise that a few toes would be trampled on but if that happens I will do my best to back up what I have said. Insya Allah....

So I'm gathering my thoughts...

Hopefully, I'll be ready to express them soon.

Let It End With You

The Nature vs Nurture argument has existed for a long time. Some say that people are born the way they are while others think that it is a person's environment that makes them what they are. I think I believe in the latter.

It's funny how, no matter how some people may disagree with how their parents brought them up, when they have kids of their own, they tend to make the same mistakes their own parents did. And it's sad because it's always the kids that get the raw end of the deal. Always.

When something like this happens, I always wonder who should be to blame: the parent who started it or the one who is perpetuating it. Can it really be fair to argue that since one has been brought up a certain way, that is how one's children be raised... no matter how questionable the methods?

Shouldn't it be that if one realises what damage has been, and ultimately could be, done, one should make the effort to ensure that it doesn't happen? Because, in the end it's always the kids that get the raw end of the deal. ALWAYS.

Phew!
It has really been a looooong school year. I mean, really!
The beginning of the year, I had my baby and so was in 'confinement' for 2 months... (banyak punya confinement... 3 weeks dah pegi shopping!)
But after that, it was full speed ahead! So much so that I didn't even notice the year go by! But these three weeks were the worst! First was the setting of exam papers and the wait for them to be vetted & the corrections... and then the marking!! Urgh! After that, it was the rush for "Parents' Day" (sooo glad that was over... don't really know what to say to parents when they ask about their kids - especially the naughty ones!) And then was Performance Day!
I was on the prizes and award committee and the duty did not end till Performance Day was over.
Oh by the way, many many thanks to the two luverly girls who helped backstage AND on stage during the prize giving.
Today, we had a farewell party in school for the kids... so tiring with the kids running around where they shouldn't be and the cleaning up of the food...
Phew!!
All I want to do now is just sit back and relax a bit... before another year of this!

theres this feeling inside me i just cant explain. its twisting and turning my insides... squeezing and pulling at places i didnt know i had. i dont know what this feeling is but its making me want to scream at the top of my lungs and push someone out a fifty-storey building... from the top floor of course. i feel really sick about the way i feel... i wish it would stop, all these thoughts im having. i dont know why they come... i dont even know what they are. i dont want to be mean... it roils me to be rude to anybody but sometimes keeping it in makes things bad for me. i hate this feeling but i dont know what it is.

i wish it would go away

Who says women are second-class?

In practically every culture, women are treated as second-class.They're not allowed to own land or inherit property... they're not entitled to a good education... their presence is either decorative or seemingly non-existant.

In practically every culture, women are downtrodden... they are abused and neglected and they accept it... because they believe it is their lot. In practically every culture, the female form is something sexual... or fertile. In practically every culture, the woman has become more of a symbol than an actual being.

But not in Islam.

Ever since the religion was first revealed to our Prophet (pbuh), the rights of Muslim women have been clearly defined. In Islam, women are allowed to own and inherit property. The Prophet's(pbuh) wife, Khadijah, was an established businesswoman. In Islam, education is key, for both men AND women. The Prophet's(pbuh) wife, A'isya, was a scholar by the time she was 18 years old and whenever the Prophet(pbuh) was not available, the Companions would seek her, and the other Ummul Mukminin, counsel on many religious matters.

In Islam, a woman is seen as a Muslim, first and foremost, a woman next, and the rest follows. She has the right to choose whom she marries and a right to object to another's wishes. She has the right to divorce a husband who is abusive or refuses to fulfil his obligations as provider.

In Islam, a woman may not be seen but she will definitely be heard. She may be covered up but in no way does this mean she is lesser than man in her opinions, in her ideas or in her faith. Even the act of covering herself is entirely the woman's choice.

In Islam, the rights of women have been clearly defined and practiced throughout the years.

Isn't it funny that it is this glorious religion that's constantly being blamed for oppressing women?

My Boyfriend

I know I don't say this enough but I have the best husband in the world. You may say that I'm biased and ask me how I could possibly know that because he's the only husband I've had and blah blah blah... but I do honestly think my husband is just the mostest.

I know sometimes I don't really show it or sometimes I act mean or sometimes I say things that might suggest that I feel otherwise but Omar Ja'afar is just amazing!

When I was pregnant, he gave me back and shoulder rubs almost every day, for an hour each time. Every time I got hormonal (even before & after my pregnancy)and nasty, he would usually be kind and understanding and almost never angry (I think there were 3 or 4 instances *in total* when he did, but I don't blame him because I did cross the line). He gave me foot rubs when I was 8 months into my pregnancy & even cut my toenails for me because I just couldn't reach my toes by then!

He tries his best to give me anything I want (not that I'm in the habit of asking for anything just because) and doesn't get pissy if I ask for something we can't really afford ( he just tells me we can't but gets it for me as soon as we can).

He's also an amazing dad... He is so attached to Ridhwan and spends as much time with him as possible... playing with him... bathing him... changing his diapers... helping with the late night feedings those first three months. He seldom complains when I wake him up in the middle of the night to change the baby's diapers or heat up the milk.Sometimes, he'd take the baby out in the mornings just so I could get some extra hours of sleep.

I could list half the things he has done for me since I've known him and won't be finished next week!

I know we've had our differences... I mean, how can you know someone for almost 10 years and NOT have any, right? We've had more than our fair share of really, really terrible fights... broken up once... but all in all, he really is one of the best things that has ever happened to me & I really am thankful to Allah for having him in my life.

If There's One Thing I Hate...

I HATE BUSYBODIES!

I can't say it enough.

I hate those people who listen in to conversations they're not invited to. I hate people who make comments about what's being said in conversations they were never invited to in the first place. I hate people who then spread the contents of the conversation to other people who have no business knowing what the contents are in the first place.

I hate those people who look over your shoulder to look at what you're reading... writing... typing... looking at (unless, of course, they were invited to read, write or look at the thing). Please, people... have you heard of personal space? I hate those people who then make comments about what you're reading, writing, typing about or looking at. Who asked you?

I hate people who think it's okay to spread untruths or half-truths or create out & out lies about other people for the sole purpose of having something to say. Get a life!

And last but not least... I hate the people who listen to these people talk about other people & buying what's been said without finding out the truth on their own.

Vicious Cycle

You were hurt... you felt the pain... but so did I. The words you said, the things you did... you may not have seen it but let me tell you they hurt. You say you've swallowed your pride again & again... over & over... whenever they hurt you... guess what, I've had to do that... again & again... over & over... whenever you hurt me.

I try to look out for you, whenever I can... I've come to your defense more than anyone else... have you ever asked me what's been going on in my life?

I know I haven't always done right by you... I know I haven't always been there... but since I have, haven't I tried to be fair?

I know I'm flawed... I make mistakes... but what you've done & what you've said have gone beyond what I can accept.

You demand to be treated fairly... to be just like the rest of us... but do you treat us the way we treat each other? You demand affection... the kind YOU want... but did it occur to you that some people aren't like that?

Did it occur to you that we, all of us, have been bending over backwards to make you happy... it hasn't been easy... you want us to change our minds about how you are... but have you changed?

You have your pride... you have your ego... but you know what? So do I.

You demand respect, but do you give it back?

Look what's happening... you say he hurt you... he says he was joking... he says you hurt him... you say you were joking... when will this end?

You say you've been giving in? Well, I'm sorry but you should... BY VIRTUE OF YOUR AGE ALONE!

Hard to swallow? Can't accept it? Live with it... you have to... you're stuck with us, like it or not.

So, whose ball is it now?

Right BACK at you

Don't you just hate the backhanded compliment... You know, when someone says something really nasty but covers it up with something erm.... not so nasty? Like "Wow, you were such a knock-out when you were younger!" & you'd be left wondering whether you should smile or hit the person with an ice-cream truck! Personally, I'd always opt for the ice-cream truck. It always begins so innocently... talking about old times, how silly you were back then, or how weird the haircuts were, or the strange kitty with the blue hair... & then suddenly, "You know, I used to feel so inferior to you back in high school." Man, I never know what I should do when that happens.

People who do this... give the backhanded compliment deserve to be... backhanded, honestly. I don't really know what they're trying to prove. Well, obviously they're trying to say that they're the bees knees la but please... if YOU have to say YOU'RE great, maybe you not all that after all.

So a friend of mine told me something that happened to her a few days back. This friend of mine was a total hottie back in secondary school. Well, she's still a hottie now, no matter what she says. *You know I love you, baby!* And she had a friend who used to follow her around like a .... erm.... little pet. Harsh, you think? Not if you knew her. Anyway, this little pet, who always thought of herself as ugly & fat & whatever la (or at least, that's what she told us), used to worship & idolise my friend the babe. Wouldn't leave her side for anything... as far as I saw it. So, they met up again a few days ago & you know, did the old 'long time no see' bit & got to talking about how much they've both changed & the little pet looks at my friend & says, "I don't know why I used to feel so inferior to you last time." Apparently, according to my hot friend *yes, I'm going to keep addressing you as that everytime I talk about you* the little pet has now gotten all grown up & glam & all that. O....K.... well, to me, she's still just the little pet that got big.

I always knew she was abit jealous of my friend, no matter how much she tried to cover it up. She tried to look humble & sweet by saying stuff like "ye la, aku kan buruk" but WHAT a load of cowdung!

So anyway... yes, I know I sound pissy... but I think everyone is entitled to once in a while, kan?

Family

There is one thing I treasure above all else & that is family. No matter what I have said in the past, I would do anything and everything I possibly can for any member of my family who may need my help. And that includes in-laws. I feel really sad when I hear of people who wouldn’t, lend a helping hand to family members in need. I mean, even if you can’t help them physically or financially, you could always give support, right? A listening ear... a shoulder to cry on.

I can’t imagine not doing anything when my own flesh & blood (or my husband’s) are hurting with some problem. Sometimes I hear people mistreating the people closest to them & it just breaks my heart. Being snubbed by a family member... that’s the worst thing that can happen to a person. I’ve heard from other people who’ve experienced such things and I’ve witnessed it being done by some people around me and I don’t like it. I mean, no matter what that person has done... no matter how busy you think you are... no matter how many other people are ready to rush in & help the person in question... if you know a family member is in distress, the very absolute least you can do is lend moral support, isn’t it? That is, if you can’t do anything else... but come on, don’t leave the person hanging.

That being said, it has to be said that I have the absolute best family in the world (this includes you too, Tata). Every single member of my family would readily drop everything and help any other member who might be in trouble. All praise be to Allah who has allowed me to be in this amazing family. My parents, Allah bless them, have been there for me & have helped me through so much I can only hope to be able to repay them. The same goes for my siblings, cousins, aunts & uncles... I feel so fortunate that I was born into this family. I know I haven’t always shown this & have said a few things to the contrary before but I know better now. I wish there was a way to take it all back but for now I can only hope & pray that I will never forget everything they have done for me & that Allah will give me the chance to repay them some day

Top 10 reasons why I love SUHARNITA MD TAHIR

10. The times we spent together are still among the best times I’ve ever had.

9. She literally goes red in the face when she’s embarrassed.

8. We’ve been through hell & high water together (seriously!)

7. Farting is something we can do together!

6. I can always count on her to distract me when I’m studying for my exams ;)

5. Thinking about her always brings a smile to my face

4. I can always count on her to tell me I’ve screwed up.

3. She’s one of the most loyal people I know; she’s stuck with me no matter how shitty I can get.

2. She’s got a huge heart & an amazing capacity to love.

1. Because she’s a great human being & I’m just glad I can call her my friend.

But I already knew this!

It came out in yahoo today... Malaysian taxi drivers are the worst in the world... well... I’ve known that for quite some time now. I mean, seriously... I thought taxi drivers were supposed to take us where we want to go, right? Not take only customers who want to go where the drivers want to go...
It's become almost a daily battle for me, trying to control my temper, especially in the heat & this being the ramadhan month.... I'd be waiting for a taxi for 45 mins before one would actually, sometimes visibly grudgingly, agree to take me to my destination. I mean, really!

Just yesterday, after 20 minutes of waiting for a cab to actually stop, I open the door & say to the driver ‘melawati’ (yeah, we have to state the destination before actually entering the cab) the driver looks at me, thinks for a bit, then ‘haiya, ok la, ok la!’. I would like to mention that there was a slight jam on the way due to an accident on the OTHER side of the road about which the cabbie lost no time grumbling. ‘haiya, sini slalu jam, banyak susah la’ (there’s always a jam here. Its really bothersome). Then, when I arrived at my destination, with the meter showing RM6.30, the cabbie tells me that I should pay RM7 ‘ini jalan banyak jauh tau’ (this is really out of the way). I didn’t want to argue, so I paid...

You may think this was an isolated incident, but let me tell you.. it's NOT. It has happend to me on a regular basis. I never know how to react though, whether I should point out that he really doesn't deserve the extra or that he's just an arse for even suggesting that. I mean, he IS a cabbie right? It's his job to take me where I want to go, isn’t it? I AM a customer, right? And then there are those cabbies who don't charge by the meter. Oh my God, I hate those... I mean, a RM5 ride becomes rm25 from KLCC or Puduraya? It's annoying!

I dunno... maybe I'm not being fair. Maybe I have no right to demand that as a paying customer I should be served. Maybe with the petrol price hike & all, the cabbies need a break? I dunno... but I still think they're taking advantage of the situation & THAT is not right.

Love at first sight

When I had my miscarriage my mom reminded me that there's always a reason for everything that Allah does. In my grief, naturally, I failed to see the silver lining behind that dark, grey cloud. Far from holding blame or 'losing my faith', I gave in wholeheartedly to His Grace and Will.

Even though I was devastated, I told myself to be patient and that Allah had bigger plans for me. I held firm to the belief that He would never test me with something I could not handle. But deep in my heart, I still couldn't help thinking about what could have been. Even throughout my pregnancy with Chikuk, his Dad and I would still talk about the baby we lost. I'll always feel some guilt for that. But all that would soon change.

I remember... The first time I locked eyes with my little prince (9 LOOOOOOOONG hours after he was born because the nurses felt I should rest), I finally saw that brilliant silver lining. What Allah had been preparing me for... Had I had the first baby, this beautiful, amazing, wonderful being I was holding in my arms would never be in existence. I would never know the joy and happiness that only he could have brought into my life. I thank Allah for giving me the strength to hold on and be patient. And for this wonderful gift that he has given me...

My sister & me

I can't help it but I always feel a bit jealous when I hear other women saying that their sisters are their best friends. It's not that I have a bad relationship with mine, it's just that our age difference has kind of made it a little difficult for us to be very close. Not to mention the 300-some kilometres separating us. When Adik was 5, I was 16 and you KNOW what most 16 year olds are like! I felt that there was no way I could relate to her so... I didn't even try. It seemed that everything she did just pissed the heck out of me and every time she wanted to come in to our room, I kept wanting to throw her out... poor kid! Mom kept telling me that she never asked to be the youngest and I, selfishly, thought that I never wanted to be the eldest either. So I ended up pushing the little angel further and further away.

5 years later, I went to further my studies in KL (where I've been pretty much ever since) and missed out on watching Lil Sis grow....

Before I knew it, that sweet baby grew up to be a totally different person. Not bad... just different... She was moody and sullen and oh my God, she could have the WORST of mood swings.... Seriously! It was extremely annoying! For the longest time, it was so difficult to even talk to her without losing my temper. Every time I tried talking to her, I found that our views were so different and I felt like I would lose my temper with her remarks and attitude.

But now I realise, none of that was really her fault... Just like I wasn't really sure how to be a big sister, neither was she about having one. How we treated her in the past had something to do with it as well, I admit... The three of us, my brothers and me, were quite the bullies... We didn't beat her up or anything, but we used to tease her a lot and could be quite mean sometimes, I think.

Now, I'm trying my very best to get on better ground with Adik. I think having my sis-in-law around has made things better for us... Adik has a good relationship with her because they're closer in age and because of that, inadvertently, she knows how to relate to me as well. It's the same for me too, I think, although I'm not as close to her as Adik is (darn the distance!).

What I'm sure of is, although I'm not expecting us to be BFF tomorrow, I will try my best to make this relationship work because Lil Sis really is a great person.

My how time flies!

Oh goodness, it HAS been ages...

So much has changed these past years.... I've grown older and (I hope) wiser....

Gotten married

had a kid,

holding down a teaching job

and the job of being a wife and mother (YES, no matter what you say, it IS a job), I suppose it could be said I've had my hands full.... (Could that be a good excuse for not updating my blog?)

So anyway, I'll try my best to keep it up this time and hopefully stick to it because apparently, at least ONE person on God's beautiful Earth reads this!

So the Fat Woman Says

My brother made a comment the other day about the weight that I had put on, so in retaliation, I had told him that even though I had put on the pounds, I was still lighter than him. What he said next made me think. He said, "I'm a guy. I'm given the allowance to be fat." Hmm...

You know, although I knew he was kidding when he said that, what he said is certainly valid in society today... you only have to flip through mags to know what I'm talking about: female celebs are frequently criticised when they put on weight, and even when they lose (weight), they still lose! whereas male celebrities can be as fat... or thin... as they want to be without it making the front page of some tabloid. So why is that?

Throughout these past few years, I've come across quite a few people who have commented about how fat I've gotten and how much prettier *YUCK* I'd be if I shed the pounds. I hate that. Others keep telling me that the extra weight will be detrimental to my health if I don't do anything about it. YES, I KNOW THAT!! And I HAVE been trying... without much luck. I blame my lack of discipline for that... not to mention the media, who only make it worse by portraying this made-up ideal of what beauty should be... make no mistake about it, the 'ideal beauty' IS made up. A few decades ago, full-figured women were considered to be the beauty ideals... in some cultures, having certain body types made you a choice bride... These days, unless you're a matchstick with boobies, you practically have no place in this world.

To me, what I look like on the outside really doesn't have anything to do with who I am as a person. It doesn't impede my ability to do my job as a teacher or a mother or a wife or a sister or a daughter. I'm comfortable with myself as I am but I have to admit it still hurts when I'm judged based on how I look or make uncalled-for comments about my size. Like Oprah said, this is really the only discrimination left in the world.