Reflections

I met an old friend (I’m using the term loosely here) the other day. She couldn’t conceal her shock at seeing what she calls my “new look”. I told her I wasn’t going for a look; it was more a whole change of lifestyle. She rolled her eyes.

I suppose I could understand why she did that. It wasn’t the first time she saw me wearing the Hijjab. It wasn’t as if I was serious about putting on the Hijjab when she knew me back then so I really don’t blame her.

However, her reaction did get me thinking about my past & the things I did. I have to admit, I was disgusted. It was like replaying a movie in your head where you just can’t help but feel like smacking the lead with a Nerf bat… or something harder! The things I said & did & thought seem totally alien to the person that I am today.

This friend asked me what made me want to change (not without a slight smirk) & at that time I just told her that I felt it was about time. I do believe that but it was more than that. It wasn’t just a matter of hating who I was, it was a matter of regaining my own pride, which I obviously lacked then. Somehow, I thought that the way I was, was who I wanted to be… this stupid, immature girl who loved to party & partied hard, without a thought of the consequences to myself, my reputation and that of my family’s. I asked myself why I did the things I did & I couldn’t even find an answer, I had a whole bunch of excuses but none that would justify my atrocious behaviour. I blamed it on everyone, my parents whom I thought were over-protective, that jerk who cheated on me & used me & had no qualms about it, the crowd I hung out with (which just happened to include this friend I’m talking about), but never myself. I used to think I was still young & there was time to ‘get religion’. What utter bullshit!

But I must confess: if I hadn’t gone through half the things I did back then, no matter how humiliating & terrible (& believe me, they were) I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. I feel more secure & definitely a lot happier than I used to be: giving in to God does that. Although I know it will take a very long time to rebuild my reputation but it doesn’t seem to bother me anymore… As my brother says, as long as my intentions are pure & my actions sincere, Allah will be behind me, even when nobody else is.