SICK!

I overheard a conversation that deeply saddened me. It was between two sisters & it was about their mother. I wasn't eaves-dropping or anything, I just happened to be in the same room as they were when the conversation started. The sisters were very animated, not to mention loud, that after a few seconds, I had no choice but to leave the room, excusing myself to use the bathroom. It started innocently enough, with one sister asking the other what the price of groceries were these days, & it went downhill from there. One sister started accusing their mother of being too spendthrift, while the other, as though wanting to add fuel to the fire, accused her of spending the money on herself. It was at this point that I walked out.

It was ironic that two children could be so... mengira (I really can't think of a suitable English equivalent for the word) of their own mother. I mean, this was the woman who endured 9 mths+ of pregnancy, went through labour, fed, clothed & took care of you when you couldn't take care of yourself & yet you still have the nerve, the heart to say that she uses too much of your money (one of the sisters give the mother an amount of money each month for groceries, bills & whatnot)? Can you really put a value to all that? Actually, this was not the first time I had experienced this... bad-mouthing their mother seemed to be a hobby (for want of a better term) between the sisters, each always had something to add when the other had a disagreement with the mother.

Every time I think about it, it makes me sad... That people should hold such contempt for their parents that they would bitch like that. Okay, I'm no angel & there are times that I have to admit I do feel erm, pissed about something my mom said to me but I wouldn't bad-mouth her to anybody. I mean, come on... she may not be perfect, she may not be an angel or a saint... but she is still your mother, isn't she?

Forgive me if this blog sounds pissy... kinda frustrated & pissy at the moment...

$$$

Ramadhan is over & so is Aidilfitri... But I can't help reflecting on how much this religious celebration has been commercialised these days. I was out shopping a few days after Aidilfitri & the first thing that caught my eye was the banners & decorations that had been put up, probably during the fasting month, to promote the 'festive occasion'.

There were 'Hari Raya sales', discounts & promotions everywhere, not to mention the constant playing of 'Hari Raya' songs through the sound system. The rush for business owners to attract potential customers starts long before the fasting month even begins, though... urging them to spend, spend, spend & buy, buy, buy. Shop owners professing the high quality of their goods over those sold by others, even though (gasp) that baju kurung you see in one shop is also sold two shops down!

It seems capitalism has been so deeply embedded into our lives that the question most FAQ during this season is not "How much of our ibadah would be accepted this Ramadhan?" but "How many sets of 'baju kurung' are you buying this year?" It's a sorry state of affairs but one which can't be easily repaired. Not easy but definitely not impossible. There was a time when people were devoted to God, religion & country but now the devotion is mostly directed to dead presidents or current monarchs, especially those that appear on a certain piece of paper. The irony of it is, though, that piece of paper in itself doesn't have much value.

So why are we all so hell-bent on chasing that piece of paper, when there is so much to be gotten out of life then that? I suppose it would be easy for me to say as I don't have a family to feed but it's like the principles of supply & demand, isn't it? The higher the demand, the more the supply & the better for the suppliers to demand higher... it's a vicious cycle which has to be broken.

But I suppose I am merely a lone voice shouting against the wind...

Reflections

I met an old friend (I’m using the term loosely here) the other day. She couldn’t conceal her shock at seeing what she calls my “new look”. I told her I wasn’t going for a look; it was more a whole change of lifestyle. She rolled her eyes.

I suppose I could understand why she did that. It wasn’t the first time she saw me wearing the Hijjab. It wasn’t as if I was serious about putting on the Hijjab when she knew me back then so I really don’t blame her.

However, her reaction did get me thinking about my past & the things I did. I have to admit, I was disgusted. It was like replaying a movie in your head where you just can’t help but feel like smacking the lead with a Nerf bat… or something harder! The things I said & did & thought seem totally alien to the person that I am today.

This friend asked me what made me want to change (not without a slight smirk) & at that time I just told her that I felt it was about time. I do believe that but it was more than that. It wasn’t just a matter of hating who I was, it was a matter of regaining my own pride, which I obviously lacked then. Somehow, I thought that the way I was, was who I wanted to be… this stupid, immature girl who loved to party & partied hard, without a thought of the consequences to myself, my reputation and that of my family’s. I asked myself why I did the things I did & I couldn’t even find an answer, I had a whole bunch of excuses but none that would justify my atrocious behaviour. I blamed it on everyone, my parents whom I thought were over-protective, that jerk who cheated on me & used me & had no qualms about it, the crowd I hung out with (which just happened to include this friend I’m talking about), but never myself. I used to think I was still young & there was time to ‘get religion’. What utter bullshit!

But I must confess: if I hadn’t gone through half the things I did back then, no matter how humiliating & terrible (& believe me, they were) I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. I feel more secure & definitely a lot happier than I used to be: giving in to God does that. Although I know it will take a very long time to rebuild my reputation but it doesn’t seem to bother me anymore… As my brother says, as long as my intentions are pure & my actions sincere, Allah will be behind me, even when nobody else is.

Reality - based on a true story or purely fictional?

I was going through some blogs, one in particular, & it got me wondering how things get the way they are. The author of this blog, from what I gathered, is a 20 year old woman from Sg who is very erm... modern as are alot of 20-somethings in Sg, in the sense that she has pretty much discarded what has been traditionally known & accepted as Asian (or more accurately, Malay) values.

I brought this up to a friend and the answer I got was, "Well, that's reality." And that got me thinking even further... how, and when, has being blatant about sex & sexual relations become 'reality'? I'm not the conservative or traditional type myself but I still feel that there are things that should remain sacred. I mean, I am absolutely aware that premarital sex has become something of the norm today but to talk about it, or in this case type, for anybody to see? Granted, nobody would know who we are, except those who already do. But still...?

20 or 30 years ago, a person could get ostracised for such things & that was 'reality' then. So how did 'reality' get from what it was 30 years ago, to what it has become today? & if 'reality' can change, then is there such a thing as 'reality'? & if there is no reality, what is it that we live through each day after day after day? & if there is, & it can be changed... does that mean someone gets to say what goes & what doesn't?

So when you think about it, if this were true, it would explain alot about alot & it makes you think about where it all comes from, doesn't it? And it's not just about sex, it's about practically everything that we have already considered to be the norm: "to be thin, have fair skin and long, straight (preferably of a certain colour) hair, is to be beautiful" or "high heels make a woman's legs look damn good" or, my personal favourite, "money makes the world go round". So, is reality a true story or just a work of fiction?

Friendship

Our family was out for dinner the other day with an old friend of my dad's and his family. Dad has been friends with Uncle Ibrahim for 40 years now and it got me thinking whether Arni & I will still be friends 27 years down the road. Arni & I have been best friends since we were 13, just like my dad & Uncle Ibrahim, and boy, have we been through shit! We've fought, fell out, argued over a guy (OF ALL THINGS!), seen each other at our absolute worst and to this day, I have to say there is no other person on Allah's beautiful Earth that I would rather have as my best friend. She has always been a loyal friend who stuck by me but she was also the first person to tell me that I've screwed up. It's funny, though. It occured to me that throughout the years, although we've had different circles of friends but when it comes down to it, I've always preferred her company over anyone else's. Watching the way Uncle Ibrahim & my Dad talked to each other, even though Uncle Ibrahim lives in KL now, that familiarity, that closeness... it's really what friendship is all about: no matter how far apart you live and how long you haven't seen each other, true friendship stays with you. It's true that people change throughout the years but when you've been through hell & high water together, the friendship would most likely stay the same. It's just like Arni & me, even though we are definitely not the same people we were then, I like to think that we have grown together as friends and individuals. So, here's to you, Arni, for being the great friend that you are.

Sisters

I was out with a friend of mine the other day and we had met her sister while we were out. Since my friend's sister's appointment got cancelled on her, she joined us for a bit. I was watching them together and it occured to me that my sister and I will never have that kind of relationship. Not because I don't want to, because believe me I have tried. I think its mostly due to the age diference between us, which is 11 years. I used to think that she was an irritating pain who was always in the way... but then again, when you're in the early teens EVERYONE is an irritating pain. Needless to say, I didn't develop the kind of bond that other sisters seem to have, which I see all around me; my cousins, my mom & her sisters, my aunts, my friends. Added to that, I can't be the sister that I know she must need especially at 15 because, being the oldest, I didn't have anyone around to tell me that it was all right to feel this way or that and every time I try to be that sister to her, we usually end up arguing or fighting, sometimes not speaking for days. I wonder if my situation is unique or are there any sisters out there who are going through the same thing?

How far can the past take you?

Why does it seem that people are so caught up in a person's past that any actions that person takes in the future, no matter how noble and sincere, becomes outweighed by their past actions, however minuscule they may be? Should it be more significant that a person WAS a bad apple before and less so, if not at all, that they have realised their past mistakes and want to change for the good of their future? Why is it that other people concern themselves so much with whether that guy was a horrible drunk or that girl was such a tease and refuse to see that these people CAN change if they want to? It is pathetic to think that a person will always be judged FIRST by their past actions, as though those who judge have never done things that they have regretted themselves. If only people can look beyond their own noses and realises that other people are only human and are also prone to making bad judgements. If only people can realise it is not really the past that matters but what people make of theirs.