selfishness & insincerity

am i being selfish if i feel that i should get some form of recognition for the work i do?

am i being insincere if i feel that my time could be well-spent at a job that pays better?

to be honest, there are times when i find myself wondering why i stay

but i know that i'm here because i want to make a difference

i know that i could probably get a job somewhere else... a job that would pay much much better than where i am now... working at a place that may value my input more and gives me a stronger sense of security

but it won't be the same...

over here, i know i can have some impact on our future generation

over here, i know what i say and what i do has more potential to reach the ummah than if i were (almost) anywhere else

over here, my jihad can mean something

and that is why i stay

i admit, i wouldn't be here if i had the means

i admit, in an ideal situation, i would love to stay at home and educate my children and maybe spend more time on my writing

but, the situation is as it is and i need to do what i can to help my husband

and that is why i stay

yes, i'm here because i need the money but i stay because i believe

does that make me selfish and insincere?

if it does, may Allaah forgive me because those are the last things i want to be

it isn't everything

a colleague of mine had her house burgled yesterday while she was in school. they took everything portable... including her daughter's clothes... and diapers. DIAPERS!

this is what the world has come to

to the point where there are selfish, thoughtless, inhuman people who would actually steal a child's DIAPERS

oh, and they even took the time to raid her fridge

it's terrible that the world has come to this... that people lose their compassion and the very thing that makes them human... just for those pieces of paper

it's terrible because people are doing this just for a few extra pieces of paper... pieces of paper that don't even have any value on their own

it's disgusting and sad because life on this earth doesn't even last forever... one day we'll all grow old and die and this world will end and no amount of small pieces of paper will make a difference

noise

her thoughts seem jumbled in her head and she struggles to sort them out. it is hard to do, being in the state of mind she is currently in... a vicious cycle - she has to clear her thoughts but cannot do so with her frazzled mind. she wonders if gazing out the window would help. 

it doesn't. 

every little activity she sees outside reminds her of what she already has inside her head. she closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. when she opens her eyes, she expects that things would look better, literally and figuratively. 

it doesn't. 

everything stays the same. the thoughts buzzing in her head buzz louder and louder and louder - to the point where she feels her very skull would split open... but would that be so bad? at leaast the bad thoughts would not bother her so much... she walks to the stereo next to the dressing table and puts on a cd... king diamond's abigail... and turns on the title track at full volume. as the opening strands begin, she lays down on her bed and closes her eyes and loses herself fully to the music even before the end of the first verse... 

let the noises come from the outside and drown the ones in her head.

funny thing happened the other day

i am stupid. i am an idiot. i am a stupid idiot!

i accidentally erased ALL my pix in my new digital camera. ALL 140 OF THEM!

how much more idiotic can you get?

gone... the pix we took at colmar tropicale

gone... that fab dinner with my friends whom i haven't seen for A G E S

gone... those adorable pix of chikuk being adorable & chikuk

i hadn't even copied them to my lappy!!

AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

i am such an idiotic stupid person . . .


on another note...

chikuk did a really adorable thing the other day when we were at bukit tinggi *the video of which i had actually recorded but, of course, being the stupid idiot i am, has been erased along with all the other great pix & videos... but i digress [deep, deep cleansing, calming breath]

anyway, chikuk got a new toy *courtesy of Nana*
it's a plastic tortoise with a detachable shell that has geometric patterns on it & geometric blocks *of sorts* that you're supposed to put in through the holes on the shell... i would show you a pic of it but... IT'S GONE!
chikuk was playing with his Daddy & Daddy was showing him how to put the blocks into the corresponding holes in the tortoise's shell. Daddy takes a block, slots it through its hole, removes the shell, takes the block out and demonstrates again. then he hands the block to chikuk. chikuk takes the block, looks at daddy, removes the shell and dumps ALL the blocks into the tortoise's body, fixes the shell back, looks at Daddy again and says, "Dah (done)!"

is that hilarious or what?

i wish i had the video to show u . . .

it seems i do this often
forgetting to update my blog whenever i'm back in sg...
alah, bukan nye ada org baca pon

heheh

well, the 1st semester is finally over & we're off for a well-deserved break *if u knew how well-deserved, you would definitely say that 2 weeks is way way waaaay too short*

the first week is into its mid-point & ridhwan is still not completely recovered - his temperature is gone, Alhamdulillah but his lips are still a bit cracked from the heat, poor kid... may Allaah heal him soon

also, i think he misses his daddy

tomorrow is the much-awaited outing with the cousins *we have this every now & then* and we're going to the beach with the kids before lunch. i always look forward to this & i can't wait!

my times have changed...

it used to be that if someone bad-mouthed you behind your back, unless you're THAT well-connected, it would probably take some time for it to get back to u...

nowadays, u could be bitching one second & the next, the whole world knows about it!

sigh... the age of technology

blog crush

i'm having my first blog crush... well, the first one i'll admit to, anyway....
although, i don't know if it can be considered that...
it's a very popular site that collects anonymous postcards from people with their secrets on it...
it's amazing...

i find myself going through some of the postcards and realising that i feel that way too...

there's this sense of ... relief ... when you find out that you're NOT a freak, u know... heheh

yes i'm lame i know but it is what it is...

i hope i have enough guts to send in one of my own one of these days