my times have changed...

it used to be that if someone bad-mouthed you behind your back, unless you're THAT well-connected, it would probably take some time for it to get back to u...

nowadays, u could be bitching one second & the next, the whole world knows about it!

sigh... the age of technology

blog crush

i'm having my first blog crush... well, the first one i'll admit to, anyway....
although, i don't know if it can be considered that...
it's a very popular site that collects anonymous postcards from people with their secrets on it...
it's amazing...

i find myself going through some of the postcards and realising that i feel that way too...

there's this sense of ... relief ... when you find out that you're NOT a freak, u know... heheh

yes i'm lame i know but it is what it is...

i hope i have enough guts to send in one of my own one of these days

desire

it wasnt something she should be feeling... it was wrong ... so wrong
but she was powerless to fight it

it was strange, this unwelcome feeling... it would come unbidden, washing over her like something sticky and pin-pricky but, if she were absolutely true to herself, not altogether unpleasant

she dreaded those moments... truly and deeply

every morning their paths would cross and she laid eyes on her heart's desire ... shivers would run down her spine

it was wrong
it was sad and ridiculous and wrong

she prays, with every fibre of her being, that nothing would ever come of it, no matter how greatly her heart protests

if only there was a different route she could take instead of walking past those donuts every morning

de-randomising

i wonder what snow feels like

why are babies so delicious?

when am i going to paint the back wall in my classroom from when the aircon blew up?

it's amazing what a simple 'i'm sorry' and 'thank you' can do to warm the heart

there is no more honest sound than a child's laughter

is it just me or is time going by really fast?

i wish i could go to tony roma's & have a huge plate of beef ribs & chocolate brownies for dessert

what would i do if i had a million bucks?

i wish i had a million bucks

how do i get my hands on a million bucks?

i miss fareed

i want to go home to sg & go out with the girls for some sushi

*had to de-randomise my brain a bit*

may i be forgiven

i was responsible for giving tazkirah after zuhur to the p4 & p5 girls last friday. after cracking my brains, i decided to give a talk on the importance of forgiveness... how Allaah would not forgive us for wronging a person until we have seeked forgiveness from the wronged person. some of the girls shared how they sometimes feel it hard to forgive and forget even for little mistakes or how sometimes they forget to apologise to someone after doing something wrong & asked whether Allaah would still forgive them now... the honesty in children always puts me to shame

all that talk made me think about someone i haven't thought about for quite awhile...

when i was 15, i had a friend... yan... yan was a great friend and an amazing human being... yan was funny and generous and patient and had a way of listening to you when you were talking that made you feel as if there was nothing more important in the world than the words coming out of your mouth... yan had a wicked sense of humour, though, and also had the knack for pushing your buttons... yan liked to tease you just to watch you jump around with smoke coming out of your ears...

i remember i had a bad temper back then... well, i suppose i still do but not as bad as i did then... i remember i could get quite verbally abusive if riled up enough. one day, in october that year yan got on my nerves... for the life of me i can't remember exactly what happened but i do remember a guitar being smashed & someone being called some nasty things... we were at the void deck of yan's block... we used to hang out there alot... i remember leaving the place in a huff & yan saying "dude, you didn't have to smash my damn guitar la! bloody hell!"

yan LOVED that guitar.

we didn't talk for a few days & i was starting to feel really guilty about what happened... it was partly my fault after all... but i couldn't bring myself to make the first move to apologise... we didn't go to the same school or live in the same neighbourhood so there was no way of us bumping into one another but i really did want to call and say i was sorry & even considered chipping in for a new guitar... but in the back of my mind, i kept thinking yan should make the first move to apologise because he did start the whole thing...

i never did call

two weeks later i got a call from yan's brother, ayim... yan had bought a stuffed toy... a garfield... yan meant to give it to me because yan knew i loved cats... yan also knew i wasn't that into garfield though, but that i would never have rejected a gift from anyone... yan's wicked sense of humour...

when i asked ayim why yan didn't call me personally he went silent... he said, "ain i'm sorry we forgot to tell you, we were so busy it just slipped our minds... yan passed away two days ago in a motorcycle accident"

i've never really gotten over yan... not completely... what made it all the more difficult to is the fact that i never got to say i was sorry for what i did...

the big 5 0

so this would be my 50th blog post
wow
i actually have nothing to say at the moment

macam wasted gitu

the end of the rope

i feel desperate

it seems everything i do, i can't get through to them
i'm tired of raising my voice just to make myself heard but it's as if that's the only way to get things done

giving them the silent treatment never works... i could be standing there for 10 minutes before they even settle down
it's so annoying because i can see that some of them actually do want to listen... that they do want to get on with the class
so what do i do? let the rowdy ones do as they please and just pay attention to those who really want to listen?

i want to help them, i really do but how long can someone go on standing there talking when half the class is busy talking and playing? how long am i supposed to take it before i start feeling like a bloody fool?

i find myself scolding and punishing them & i can see the disappointment & anger in their faces whenever i do... i don't even care if they don't like me... i mean it would be great if they did but i'm more interested in making sure that they do well... in school and in life

maybe i'm just not cut out for this job...

it's a blessing that i'm moving at the end of the year

has it been 20 years already?

20 years ago a little angel was born



with her sweet disposition and charming smile, she bowled us all over


friendly and affectionate and loving and kind this little angel melted our hearts

her childhood must have been trying
she had three bullies for siblings... all going through the phases of their own maturity
kicks and slaps and punches
verbal lashings and slashings
she must've had a difficult life

when it was her turn to grow up, big sister and big brothers had their taste of what teen angst looks like to the observer

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

come on, we all know it's N E V E R pretty...

all they could do was to hope and to pray that their little angel would find her way


we're still waitiing, by the way...

:D

have a great day!

i remember

i remember the cravings and the middle-of-the-night hunger pangs...
i remember the heat... the boiling heat in the middle of the night under the aircon set at 18 degrees celsius... not to mention the other heat
i remember the swellings... of my nose & my breasts & my fingers & my hands & my feet & my toes...

i remember not being able to cut my own toe nails...
i remember not being able to fit into my favourite sandals...
i remember feeling sleepy a l l the time...
i remember being happy one minute & hating everybody's guts the next... more often than not my poor darling husband's...

i remember not being able to eat, cook, or even smell chicken... CHICKEN!!!
i remember the morning sickness... and the afternoon sickness... and the evening sickness... and the middle of the night sickness...
i remember the backaches and the sideaches and the itchy itchy tummy...

i remember pain like i've never imagined...
i remember the 16 hour labour... especially the last couple of hours of near torture...
i remember the pain and violation of being checked for cervix dilation... and wanting to tear the nurse's head right off her shoulders with my bare hands

i remember the pushing... the tear during the episiotomy... of straining so hard i had cramps in my face and cheeks and neck and fingers and legs for a few days after...

but you know what, i can't wait to go through it again...
because i remember the first time i looked into his beautiful eyes and he looked right back at me

letting off steam

*this entry is a rant*

so this is the situation... i work

i work from 7.30am to 4.30pm... but most days i have to stay until around 7pm & wait for my husband to pick me up... usually to finish up any work but more often because of the financial situation we are in... we have enough, alhamdulillah, but sometimes not to enable me to go home by cab every single frigging day

in the meantime, while I WORK, i leave my son in the care of my in-laws... they had volunteered to do so & my husband & i have obliged... mind you, we were reluctant to in the beginning because we did not wish to impose on my mil who has had to take care of practically ALL her 10 other grandchildren *and is still baby-sitting 2 others*... but after i gave birth, SOME PEOPLE kept pushing that we should leave the little one there, seeing as how expensive daycare centres can be, especially if I HAVE TO WORK LATE... besides, it's always better to have family take care of the little ones, isn't it? can't, & won't, argue with that...

so i have been working late these past weeks, making worksheets, marking worksheets & books, compiling revision exercises & whatnot *i'm teaching the exam classes*... i work on saturdays too *extra classes for the kids & also teachers training*... my husband picks up my baby after work, then picks me up... he takes care of our son on saturdays when i'm not around & on sunday mornings he brings him out so i can rest a bit longer & get some house work done *have you tried cleaning up after a one-year-old who has just discovered the endless joys of dumping?*

it has come to the point where SOME PEOPLE think it's okay to comment on my mothering skills... *or lack thereof, according to them* ... apparently to these people, it seems to them as if my husband is doing what i should be doing *ie taking care of our baby* it seems to them that i don't lift a finger when it comes to MY SON...

let me tell you something

i will be eternally grateful that my husband is not the kind to simply leave the care of babies to their mothers... i will be eternally grateful that he takes the baby out once in awhile so i can clean up the house a bit and rest... he is a great husband & father but he does not do everything... we share our workload as equally as possible

not once have i ever left my child in the care of others simply to go shopping or hang out with friends or go on holiday or play futsal... the only time my son has slept apart from me was when he was 4 days old & had to be hospitalised for jaundice... even then, i sat next to his bed for most of the night because i couldn't sleep... i have never gone on holiday & left my 4-month-old to be taken care of by the maid *not that i have one* WHEN HE WAS IN HOSPITAL...

i'm a working mother who doesn't have a maid to help with stuff around the house... i do my own cleaning & washing & sweeping & vacuuming & what-have-you... there are SOME working mothers i know with maids who leave EVERYTHING to their maids... the housework & caring of their children

what's funny is that its these mothers who think that i'm being the bad mother because i work too much & never seem to be around, even on weekends... what's funny is that these mothers would rather get their maids to do everything, even get a simple glass of water for their screaming kids, than lift a finger around the house who say that i don't spend enough time with my son

what gives YOU the BLOODY right to comment on my mothering skills when you leave your children with the maid til 1 bloody AM just so you could go out & have coffee? what gives you the right to say that i let my husband do everything when you let your kids sleep with someone else just so you can go clubbing? what gives you the right to say that i work too much & impose on other people to babysit when YOU do that just so YOU don't have to take care of your kids? are you saying because you think your job's harder you need more rest & more time on your own?

take a look at yourself in the mirror before you judge others... better yet, don't judge unless you're ready to be judged...

some people think too highly of themselves... they should be brought down a peg or two... or maybe ten...

bloody *tooooooooooooooooooooot*